5 Must-Do Tips for Blended Families

Here are my 5 Tips for a successful (happy) blended family.

I always want to preface my posts with the caveat that this isn’t where you wanted to find yourself. When you got married, you never said, “You know what would make this easier and increase our chances of avoiding the high divorce rate? A blended family!”

Joking aside, this is the situation you are in now. And you can learn to accept it, even to love it. Does that sound impossible? Yes. Do your stepchildren sometimes drive you crazy? Absolutely. Do you and your spouse differ on parenting approaches and struggle to find common ground? Been there. 

There is no way “around” these issues in a blended family. There is only living through them. 

Without further ado, here are my top 5 tips for a successful blended family:

1. Create new traditions

I list this tip first because it is the most-visible of all the tips. Traditions and rituals are essential elements of belonging for humans, psychologically. According to WebMD, family traditions not only create connections but also provide stability. 

Families thrive when we have shared memories and “markers” of the passing of time together- we need to feel connected to the ebb and flow of the universe, and know our place in it, with one another. 

Family traditions are memorable and heartwarming. Think of one of your family traditions right now, and I bet it brings a smile to your face. This is why creating new traditions for your blended family is essential: it signals to your brain and to your spouse’s and children’s brains that we are a connected group, riding the waves of time together in our family ship.

Here are a few ideas to get you started on making family traditions

• Start and end each school year with a trip to an ice cream shop
• Create seasonal artwork to hang around the house
• Bake a treat or cook a certain meal on a day of the week (or 1st or last day of the month)
• Take a walk around the block together
• Eat dinner together and share about your day

More ideas here.

2. Give Some, Get Some

This tip is intended more for the adults than for children. Basically, you need to give up some of your old beliefs about what a family is and how a family “works” in order to accept your reality. This can be incredibly difficult. It may feel like you are “giving up” on your expectations. You may even find yourself grieving the loss of a traditional “nuclear” family. (This will happen, over and over, with each new phase of life. Best let the feelings in and learn to feel them as big as they need to be).

Every blended family is born from loss. We can rise from the ashes and create beauty together.

For example, let’s say you want everyone to eat dinner together at the table and you only want one person to talk at a time. That worked fine when your family consisted of just you and your two children, but now you find yourself in a family of seven, and frankly, it’s hard to wait turns to talk!

Give a little grace. Maybe ask each person to share something they’re grateful for or something positive about their day. During this part of the meal is when only one person talks at a time, but the rest of the meal, let it go. 

You give up some of the control, you get a calmer, happier household where your children (and stepchildren) have a positive emotional association with you. That’s worth it.

3. One-on-One time with kids

While this practice may seem like a no-brainer, you better believe the payoff is HUGE and (even in our family), it often gets neglected.

One-on-One time with kids truly allows you to shine as a parent and the child to shine for their own unique talents. It cuts through the crap of laundry and dishes, and forces you to be present. 

This does not mean that you ditch your partner and spend the day gallivanting about town. It also does not mean that you use money to buy happiness or splurge on gifts or food.

It means that even for 15 minutes, you arrange with your partner to watch the other child(ren), set a timer, and focus solely on that child. No phones, no TV, just quality time. 

One of my kids loves doing Whatchamadrawit during this time, while another likes to play Kids Scrabble. My daughter enjoys when we paint nails together and another loves being outside with our chickens or gathering wood for a fire. My youngest is simple and is happy playing with balloons or setting up a pouring station.

Imagine if you looked into your child’s eyes as often as you looked at that little screen. How would that change your relationship?

The point isn’t what you do, the point is to lean all the way into it. Get silly. Get curious. Get creative. Let your child set the tone. One of my children is interested in anatomy, so my husband brings him to the lab and teaches him. It’s a science lesson but again, that isn’t the point. Give all your attention to your child. Get down and their level and listen to them. Maybe teach them a skill or how to cook a favorite meal.

Sometimes, I get frustrated with my stepchildren. I’m not sure why–  they are great kids! Maybe it is because they were raised differently than how I raised my kids, so they have different mannerisms. Maybe it’s because they remind me that my spouse had a loving relationship with someone else (it pains me to admit this). 

Either way, they tend to “annoy” me in ways that my biological children don’t. One way I’ve found to remedy this is One-on-One time. I get to connect with each of them and see them for themselves. I give them positive attention. It is a beautiful reset for everyone and truly makes a difference in our blended family. Do this weekly for maximum results and impact, but even if you only do it once a year, I guarantee you’ll notice a difference!

4. Prioritize your Spouse

One “mistake” from my first marriage is that I started to prioritize my children over my spouse. While it’s completely natural as a new parent to place the interests of your little ones first, sometimes you can get carried away and that leads to a place of dischord in the home. Everyone can feel martial stress (especially children) and I can tell you from experience: that’s not how to have a happy blended family.

Just like I recommend making time for each child, make time for your partner. Learn their Love Language and speak it fluently. Some of my mother’s wisdom for a happy marriage comes to mind: If it bothers your spouse, just don’t do it. Easier said than done! But, for example, I know my husband hates a mess in the house. I am naturally a bit of a slob (embarrassed to say!), but I do try to clean up after myself because I know how emotionally distressed he is by clutter.

Photo of us raking leaves. (Even the mundane can be a time to connect. It strengthens a relationship when you tackle a “project” together!)

Make time to do things together, even if it’s cooking dinner in a rush. Take a moment and laugh, despite all the craziness of life– you’ve found each other!

And, even if you’re not in the mood, be romantic with your partner. You may be surprised by how easily you can fake it until you make it!

5. Prioritize your SELF!

This last one is cliché but seriously, take time for yourself. You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. Honestly, you can, but only for a time…and a price. When you don’t take time for yourself, the bitterness will rise within you, making it difficult for you to find joy in your everyday tasks. Even if you’re not bitter, if you are missing healthy habits like exercise and good sleep, it will catch up to you eventually. And probably at the worst possible time! To avoid that,

Here are some easy ways to prioritize yourself:

• Sleep the right amount of time for you (my sweet spot is 8.5 hours)
• Exercise even when you have low energy (it actually creates more!)
• Practice positive self-talk
• Spend time outside in nature
• Put your phone away in a separate room for parts of the day. It really does take a toll on mental and physical health, plus creates a false sense of urgency for work tasks when at home
• Cultivate your spiritual wellness
• Ask for help, even when you don’t need it. (You don’t wait until you’re drowning to start swimming, right?)

And there you have it. Those are my Top 5 Tips for A Successful Blended Family. Let me know, what is your blended family’s favorite tip for success?

Comment below and let me know your thoughts!

With blended love,

Alexandra